


The Thing About Pain

by captainbane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Luke Garroway/Maryse Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Blood, Panic Attacks, Protective Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 03:08:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17716880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainbane/pseuds/captainbane
Summary: One of these days he’s going to break, Alec recalls Izzy’s words on patrol a few nights ago, he’s going to break and you’ll have to be there to pick up the pieces. Are you ready for that?No, he thinks faintly. But it’s Magnus and there’s not a single thing he wouldn’t do for him.***Magnus is suffocating but Alec helps him to breathe through it.





	The Thing About Pain

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to my beta Jodie who's been helping me with writer's block.  
> You're the best and I wouldn't have been able to finish it without you. I love and admire you so much!
> 
> also please be aware of the tags since there are minor descriptions of panic attacks and blood.  
> take care everyone and now happy reading!

 

 **“You call it hope — that fire of fire!**  
**It is but agony of desire.”**

**\- Edgar Allan Poe**

* * *

 

 

It’s been two months since Magnus gave up his magic to save Jace. Two months ago Alec almost died in Magnus’ arms and there was nothing Magnus could’ve done to prevent it.

He is haunted by the memories even now. The feeling of having his magic taken away still present in his body. Alec’s face, shockingly pale and full of anguish, a vivid picture in his mind.

He thinks back to that night then and remembers the fear and hopelessness he felt.

 

_“Magnus, he’s okay. The wound in his chest is sealed fully and his broken arm healed. He will have to take it easy for a while but the only thing he needs right now is rest. He’ll be good as new” Catarina promises. “About your-“_

_Magnus raises his hand to stop her and shakes his head no. Catarina, as calm and patient as ever, simply nods and gives him a hug. “If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me okay? I love you," she says and leaves to go take care of Madzie._

_He pours himself a glass of whiskey, drowns it in one go before deciding to just drink straight from the bottle. He goes outside on the balcony and watches the traffic below until he’s interrupted by a tentative touch on his shoulder._

_He turns around to find Maryse standing next to him, a hesitant smile on her face._

_“Magnus," she says gently. “How are you holding up?”_

_Magnus doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry._

How do you think I’m doing? _He wants to ask._ I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost part of myself today and I almost lost the love of my life. I feel as if I’m dying.

_“I don’t know," he says instead._

_Maryse doesn’t say anything for a while but Magnus feels her eyes on him as he turns back to watch over the city and takes a large gulp of whiskey._

_“Listen, Magnus," she starts when he doesn’t elaborate, “I know we’ve had a rocky start and maybe it’s not my place to say anything but... I know what it feels like to lose your identity.” Magnus tenses and glances at her briefly but she’s not looking at him._

_“We are in totally different situations, of course, but... I’ve been a Shadowhunter my whole life. I loved it. For years I took pride in it, felt as if I had a greater purpose. Having my runes stripped away... it was awful. I- I didn’t know who I was anymore. But it was my own doing that led to it and I had to accept that. I had to move on and find something to keep me sane. You on the other hand...” She stops herself, takes a deep breath and Magnus feels his heart temporarily beat out of rhythm._

_“You’ve saved both of my boys, Magnus. I can’t thank you enough for that.”_

_Magnus turns to look at her and finds Maryse already looking at him, tears shining in her eyes._

_“You have been nothing short of extraordinary and I can see now why Alec loves you so much. You’ve changed him. He’s happier since he’s met you," she smiles then. ”You are selfless, kind and passionate and you shouldn’t have had to bear the consequences of all this but you did and I admire you for that”, Maryse says and Magnus finds himself unable to keep looking at her._

_“You’re strong, one of the strongest men I know and you will get through this. I know it’s unbearable right now but it’ll get better. It will. But it takes time. I know that if it weren’t for my children, for Lucian”, she blushes and gathers herself for a second. “Alec once told me that you don’t push someone away just because they’re a hard choice. It took me a while but I think I understand now. I’ve realised that I can’t keep closing myself off to this world, my family. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, not listening to Alec when he needed me to was one of the most severe ones. You’ve saved him, Magnus; from me and himself. Both of you have opened my eyes to the things I did wrong and if there’s anything I can do for you, that I can offer you in return, please let me know. You are not alone in this. Don’t push away the people that love you, do not make the same mistakes I did. You will need someone by your side during the dark days.”_

_Maryse reaches for Magnus’ hands and when her eyes find his, they are wide and glassy._

_“When I lost my runes and my whole life was turned upside down I felt like such a burden to the people around me. I was confused and vulnerable and I didn’t want my loved ones to have to deal with that. But I wouldn’t have been able to go through this without them. Alec is strong and stubborn and I’m sure he’d gladly carry some of your ballast. He loves you, Magnus, you’re his whole world. So do not hesitate to rely on him, on any of us for that matter. We care about you, don’t forget that okay?”_

_Magnus only manages a small nod; too stunned to reply. Maryse smiles again, dimmed and sad, and reaches out to wipe away the stray tear that has escaped his eyes._

_“You’re part of our family now, Magnus and that means you’re my son, too.”_

_“Thank you, Maryse," he mumbles, a storm of emotions raging inside him and she squeezes his hand. Maryse doesn’t expect a more elaborate answer so she turns to leave. She comes to a stop outside the doors to his living room._

_“Alec has been asking for you," she says and then she’s gone._

_Magnus is left standing at the railing, clutching the bottle of whiskey so hard it’s a miracle it doesn’t break. He takes a few calming breaths and wills the tears away. He swallows his feelings with another sip of whiskey and then he heads inside, sitting at Alec’s bedside to reassure him that he’s okay._

Old habits die hard.

He’s gone uncharacteristically quiet, Alec notices. And it pains him to see Magnus like this and not be able to help him. He asks, of course, but all Magnus does is wave it away like it’s nothing. As if he didn’t just lose an essential part of himself.

“I’m fine, Alexander," he assures him every day. But Alec knows better than that. He can see behind Magnus’ mask of denial. Sees the way his hands are shaking constantly, how his fingers twitch as if he was about to summon something or how he just stares into the distance sometimes, unaware of his surroundings.

Alec wants to help him, he wants to so badly but he knows how Magnus ticks, knows not to push when he’s like that. So he leaves it be and tries to be around Magnus as often as he can, just in case he should need anything. It goes on like this for weeks. Magnus withdrawing more with each passing day while Alec tries to fill the growing distance between them.

 _One of these days he’s going to break_ , Alec recalls Izzy’s words on patrol a few nights ago, _he’s going to break and you’ll have to be there to pick up the pieces. Are you ready for that?_

No, he thinks faintly. But it’s Magnus and there’s not a single thing he wouldn’t do for him. He’d raise hell to make sure he’s safe. He’s going to be at Magnus’ side for as long as he will allow it, no matter how difficult it gets. And if his heart has to stop so Magnus’ can beat? There’s no decision to be made, Alec realizes then. He would always choose Magnus.

For a while it’s calm at Magnus’ loft. They eat dinner, spend hours sitting on the couch binge watching some mundane television series, go to bed, fall asleep wrapped around each other until Alec has to leave in the early mornings. Alec feels oddly proud whenever he manages to make Magnus laugh, the sound a rarity these days. It usually doesn’t last long, though. Magnus’ smile falters after a while and the reality crashing down on him visible on his features. He grows quiet then, not speaking for hours or days after and Alec hates it. He hates how useless he feels, how the only thing he can offer Magnus is silent companionship.

Maybe it’s enough. But what if it isn’t? What if it grows to be not enough?

Alec feels restless. He makes his way to Magnus’ loft late that night. The patrol did an unexpected turn when some nasty demons found their way into a dark alley next to a pub and mundanes got involved. It took him hours to finish the paper work. He’s tired, his body one giant bruise and all he wants to do is fall into bed with Magnus at his side.

When he opens the door to Magnus’ loft, he finds it in total disarray. There are pieces of furniture scattered all over the living room. One of Magnus’ huge bookshelves casually lying in the middle of the living room with ancient books scattered around the floor. The small mahogany table in front of the couch split in the middle. For a wild second Alec thinks someone broke into the apartment. He is about to reach for his stele and knife when he hears something clashing to the floor, followed by a loud curse. Magnus.

Alec heads to the kitchen immediately and finds Magnus sitting on the floor, his gaze focused on the broken porcelain all around him. His hands are bleeding, already forming a small puddle of blood on the tiles. Alec calls out for him calmly, not wanting to scare him but Magnus doesn’t even flinch. He’s seemingly unaware of Alec standing in the doorway because before Alec can even open his mouth again, he sits up and turns around to reach for another plate.

Alec, silently praising his quick instincts, moves forward. He grabs Magnus’ wrist from behind to prevent him from shattering more glass and injuring himself even worse. Magnus tenses, struggling against Alec’s hold on him.

“No," he yells. “Let go of me!” He accidently hits Alec’s rib with his elbow and Alec winces; but his strong grip on Magnus’ wrists does not falter.

“Magnus," he tries again but Magnus doesn’t calm down. The voices in his head are doubling over; impossible to distinguish and increasing with each passing second. _You’re worthless_ , they say. _An abomination, a burden, a disgrace to all Warlocks._ Magnus yells, wanting them gone.

“Leave me alone!” _Everyone will leave you in the end._

Alec tries to stay composed. He can feel the ragged breaths Magnus takes, the way his body shakes with the force he’s trying to use to push away from Alec. Not that Alec would let him. He presses Magnus wrists to Magnus’ own chest, leaving him no room to move and Magnus screams. _He doesn’t love you. Look at you. How could anyone love something like this?_

“I’m not leaving," Alec says, tears burning behind his eyelids as he listens to the agonizing sounds Magnus makes. He wills them away because this isn’t about him.

“Not now...” He pulls Magnus out of the kitchen, tightening the hold he has on him as Magnus continues to fight against it. “Not ever, you hear me? You can try to push me away all you want but you’re not getting rid of me.”

Magnus stops struggling, his whole body shaking against Alec’s as the voices in his head grow quiet and he willingly follows Alec’s lead. Alec comes to a stop in the middle of the hall, as far away from the wreckage as possible.

“I’m not leaving you.”

He hears the broken sob that follows his promise, feels Magnus’ sharp intakes of breath when he pulls him even closer, flush against his chest. His mouth right next to Magnus’ ear he whispers, “I know you’re scared and lost but you have to let the pain in, Magnus. You can’t keep suppressing it otherwise you’re going to drown in it. You have to let yourself feel it.”

With that, all tension leaves Magnus’ body. He sacks against Alec’s chest, his knees giving out beneath him as he lets himself be pulled to the floor, right into Alec’s lap. He is dimly aware of Alec’s arms around him, of someone breathing against him as he allows himself to grieve.

It hurts, Magnus thinks, as he lets the pain wash over him like a hurricane. It roots itself in his chest and squeezes, his heart beating frantically as if trying to push it away. His lungs burn with each breath he takes and he notices his vision clouding.

“Stop," he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper but Alec hears him. He recognizes the contours of Alec’s face but he can’t see him, not really, it’s all one blurry picture and he panics.

 _Make it stop_ , he begs, _please make it stop_ but there’s no response.

He opens and closes his mouth, desperately trying to get oxygen into his lungs but it’s too much. There’s only white noise around him; each second worse than the last. He needs the pain to stop.

It takes a moment for him to notice the different sensations on his face. It takes him even longer to realize that it’s Alec; more specifically his lips, leaving tiny kisses all over his face. Long fingers brush through his hair and he tries to focus solely on that sensation. After a while he feels arms around him move and then his head is laid against a broad chest. There’s a strong heartbeat against his temple and he listens to it, the rhythmic thump of Alec’s heart is the only thing he hears. The squeeze around his chest loosens its hold after a while; he takes a long, deep breath in and then he cries. He cries over the loss of his magic and for the man he used to be. He cries over almost losing Alec and that feeling of utter helplessness that clings to him like a second skin. He cries for the comforting arms of his mother who used to sing him to sleep after a nightmare. He cries for his lost friend Ragnor, for the tranquillity his voice used to bring him on tough days. But they’re gone. Everything is falling apart in front of his eyes and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. It’s unbearable. So he cries and cries until his eyes are burning, his lungs and head aching. He cries until there are simply no more tears for him to shed. He cries until his body stops shaking and he blacks out. Darkness wraps around him like a blanket, the silence a welcoming embrace.

Alec just holds him, rocking him gently like he’d do with a child, pressing kisses to his damp hair, talking to him even though he knows Magnus can’t hear him.

“I’m here," he says softly, his heart aching for his loved one, “I’m here, baby. I’m right here. You’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll take care of you.”

He can’t stop the tears from falling this time. He leans his head back against the wall and tightens his arms around Magnus, fully aware that he’s unconscious. He hopes that Magnus can finally get some rest now.

They stay like that for a long while until Alec is sure Magnus’ heart rate is back to normal. He picks him up then, one arm beneath his legs and the other wrapped around his back and side. Magnus doesn’t even move a muscle. Alec carries him to the bedroom and carefully places him on the bed. It’s only now that he notices the cut on the left side of his forehead. The cut isn’t deep but there are dark bruises forming around it already and Alec has to focus on breathing for a second.

He turns around and heads to the bathroom to grab some towels and fill a small cup with lukewarm water. He can’t find any bandages or antiseptics and curses himself for not thinking about purchasing one sooner. He sends a text message to Izzy, asking her to drop off a first aid kit at the front door and her response is immediate.

_Magnus?_

_Yes._

_Be there in 5._

Alec is glad she doesn’t ask further questions. He goes back into the bedroom then, gently sitting down next to Magnus and starts cleaning up his wounds. Halfway through picking broken glass from Magnus’ palms his phone alerts him of a new text message from Izzy. He doesn’t even open the chat, just walks to the front door and picks up a small first aid kit. He quickly sends a thank you message to Izzy and promises to text her soon.

Alec then continues to properly clean up Magnus’ wounds to make sure they don’t get infected. He bandages his hands and puts some lotion on the various cuts spread over his arms before carefully and slowly peeling the bloody clothes off of him. He looks skinnier, Alec observes. He had noticed the dark circle under his eyes, had known Magnus hadn’t been sleeping well but he hadn’t been aware Magnus lost weight too. He silently curses himself for not seeing it sooner. Alec doesn’t know how long it takes him but when he looks out of the window the sun is already rising, welcoming a new day.

He grabs a glass of water and some ice from the kitchen, tiptoeing around the mess Magnus made and puts it on the bedside table. He wraps the ice in another towel and delicately places it against the bruise on Magnus’ head. Magnus lets out a pained moan at that, his eyes blinking open heavily. He groans again, trying to get some words out but his throat feels dry and sore.

“Here," Alec says as he guides the glass of water to his lips, one hand behind Magnus’ neck to make sure he doesn’t choke. Magnus takes some slow sips, it soothes his throat instantly.

“What time is it?” he rasps out and Alec raises his eyebrows. He puts the glass down and takes a look at his phone. Running a hand through Magnus’ hair he says, “Around five thirty in the morning. You’ve been out for about two hours; you hit your head pretty bad. What happened?”

Magnus swallows a few times, finding it difficult to keep eye contact with Alec.

“Actually, I think you should rest and get some sleep. We can talk about it in the morning," Alec says when it becomes clear Magnus isn’t going to talk. He gets up to leave when there’s a tentative touch on his hand. He looks down at Magnus’ bandaged hand on his own and then up to his face. He sees the way his eyes well up with fresh tears and finds himself rooted to the spot. Alec never wants to see him cry again and for a short moment, he lets himself imagine a life without this devastating feeling. A life where he can whisk Magnus away to some foreign island, where he can protect him and make sure that the only thing Magnus needs to worry about is what to wear for dinner. Where he can spoil him and kiss him senseless, the sound of Magnus’ laughter a constant reminder of their happiness. But he can’t and he’s suddenly reminded of the unfairness of it all.

“Please," he hears Magnus break through his thoughts, his voice barely above a whisper. “Will you please stay with me?”

Alec nods and can’t help the small smile that spreads over his face. He can’t give Magnus the world and everything he deserves but he can give him all of himself. And if that’s enough for Magnus, then he would gladly break himself to pieces.

He puts away the used towels and cleans the bed of leftover supplies. He strips out of his shoes and jeans swiftly and goes to lie down next to Magnus. He moves closer, his left hand finding its way to Magnus’ face, tenderly brushing over the bruise at his hairline. Magnus closes his eyes at that and for a second Alec worries he had hurt him.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Magnus’ lashes flutter and when he opens his eyes again they are full of sorrow.

“No," he answers truthfully as he finally allows Alec to read him. His gaze is unwavering, the pain and misery he feels laid out openly and Alec feels like he’s going to drown in it.

“Would you believe me, if I told you that it’ll get better? That you won’t have to get through this alone and that the pain will lessen with time?” Alec dares to ask, his thumb gently stroking Magnus’ cheekbone as he awaits Magnus’ response.

Magnus is quiet for a few seconds, looking at Alec intently. When he answers, there is a small smile on his lips.

“Not right now, no. But I’d like to try," he says, his voice still rough from the screaming and crying earlier. “Will you help me?” There is a deep sadness in his eyes but there is also something else. Something that Alec recognises as hope and that makes his whole body tingle with warmth.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way," Alec promises and leans forward to press a longing kiss to Magnus’ forehead. He intends to lean back again but Magnus is already there, wrapping his arms around Alec’s back and pressing his face to Alec’s chest. Alec shuffles a little, trying to make them both more comfortable and soon enough they are touching from head to toe. Alec reaches out to adjust the blanket around both of them while Magnus snuggles deeper into his chest. He sighs languidly and that sound makes Alec exhale a relieved breath that he didn’t realise he was holding.

His hand finds Magnus’ neck and he explores tenderly, moves his fingers into his hair, across his ear, down to his spine and Magnus lets out another content sigh.

“Is there anything else I can do for you, Magnus?” he whispers into the comfortable silence between them.

Magnus moves back a little so he can look at Alec and reaches out to rub his thumb across Alec’s lips, his eyes following the movement.

“Just be here with me," he looks up at Alec and finds hazel eyes full of love and wonders idly, what he ever did to deserve someone as beautiful and patient like him. “That’s all I need.”

Alec smiles and when Magnus tilts his head up he goes willingly. It’s a familiar feeling, the way their lips move together so effortlessly. It makes something warm erupt in Magnus’ chest and he realises then, that all he ever needed to heal was Alec.

They part eventually and Magnus tucks his face back into the crook of Alec’s neck. He presses a kiss into the hollow of his throat and murmurs “I’m sorry” into his skin over and over again.

“Don’t apologize, Magnus.”

Magnus groans his disagreement into his neck and Alec can’t suppress the grin that spreads over his lips.

“I’m serious," Magnus hears Alec say, “But I know you needed to say it and you needed me to hear it so you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you, Alexander.”

“You don’t ever have to say that, love. Not to me.”

Magnus can’t help the little giggle that pours out of him and he feels Alec tightening his embrace. He doesn’t respond to that, he knows Alec doesn’t expect him to, so he just listens to Alec’s steady heartbeat and lets himself be lulled to sleep by that.

He hears a soft “I love you, Magnus” and the last thing he thinks of is how much he loves him back. How he would sacrifice himself over and over again to make sure Alec is safe. He doesn’t need to tell him though because Alec knows. He has always known. And if Magnus isn’t mistaken, Alec would do the exact same for him. There is a sense of serenity that comes with loving someone so much you’d give up your life for them in a heartbeat. It took Magnus a while to understand and to grasp but now that he does, there is no way he will ever let it go.

Old habits die hard, it’s true. But they die eventually and it seems like it only needs a stubborn Shadowhunter and a hopeful Warlock.


End file.
